Not boredom

This afternoon is one of those afternoons. A cacophony of the oven, washing machine, lawnmowers, birds, someone’s TV, dogs barking, planes overhead, neighbours talking, shouting, swearing, belching hurt my ears but my headphones feel too hot and tight. The light is both too bright and too dim; if I try to read a book then the words jump around; if I close my eyes geometric patterns swirl menacingly across my eyelids. Even writing this is tricky – every word looks like it should have a red wriggly line underneath it. My joints feel cold and greasy. My skin hot and gritty. I am hungry, nauseous and full all at once. My head feels stuck on at the wrong angle and no amount of clicking my neck and shoulders can put it back on right. I can’t settle to anything. Everything seems unsurmountable, urgent and worthless. I am tired. I am restless.

I don’t know what this is and why this happens.

When I was little I was told that this feeling was boredom and that “only boring people get bored.” I didn’t understand why feeling this way made me a boring person but accepted that it was a major failing on my part.

At school and university these days could be torture. Teachers at the front of the class swung in and out of visual and audio focus. Words on the blackboard and page vibrated and floated away. My wrists resisted writing.

I guess that at least I get to look at it objectively as an adult. This day will pass. Maybe tomorrow I will know what it is that I want to eat, read, wear and do. Perhaps my bones will feel like they are in the right place, and my skin will fit. Hopefully sounds will make sense and I will be able to process the contrast in shapes, shades and hues. For now I will drink plenty of water, walk barefoot in the garden and appreciate that my husband and daughters understand that today I can’t make words come out right and that I am doing the best I can.

It’s definitely not boredom. Does anyone have a word or an explanation for it?

 

3 thoughts on “Not boredom

  1. Hi Flo! Lush to follow you over here too. What a moving piece of writing. Firstly, this sounds really bloody exhausting and coupled with the experience of having this happen and being judged for it in previous times making it more of a sucker punch. I see you holding it and taking a good look, and send some gentle loving care.
    I find something a kin to this happens when I am in overwhelm. Head fog, unable to articulate clearly, heavy and uncomfortable body and I reach for quick fix ways to pull myself out of this – sugar, overeating, booze, scrolling, more and more stimulation. The hangover from this can take a long time to clear. That’s the old habit for me… thinking that my sensory/stimulation needs aren’t ok and that I need to keep up with the world, so keep pushing. Only really beginning to understand this in recent days/weeks/months.
    I appreciate when I hear someone articulating this sticky place, without a “and then I do this magic thing and all is again right with the world…” at the end. Being in the thick of it, and communicating. What power to connect. Thank you. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah… You are so lovely! A “hell yes” to everything you wrote. Those attempts to self medicate with food and scrolling etc; trying to manipulate the hormones and neurotransmitters (our old friend cortisol, but also dopamine and something else that I can’t quite put my finger on, hmmmmm)

      It’s good to be able to acknowledge it now. All part of self-acceptance I guess. And to break that cycle by not apportioning blame at myself or my daughters. And to hope others recognise it for what it is and go easy on themselves too.

      Big love to you xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s